Wow! what a slap to the face that was?? I snapped out of the negative spiral I was choosing to be in and at that moment understood I had a lot to live for. How could I give up when I’ve taught my own kids to never give up no matter how hard life gets?

This led to asking confronting questions.

• What was stopping me from moving on?

• What was stopping me from accepting who I am?

After much reflection, tears, and more reflection, I realised, I didn’t want to let go of the old picture I had of who I was.  It was all I knew, and I loved this picture!!  “Bec the athlete. Bec the independent mother, teacher and friend who was always willing to help or get her hands dirty.“

However, hanging on to this picture wasn’t healthy and certainly wasn’t helping me to be happy, or to be that strong and determined person my kids knew me as. Even so, I was still scared to let it go. And this led to even more questions and more soul searching.

• Who am I now?

• What have I got to offer the world?

• How do I get to the point where I can see myself though my kid’s eyes?

I remember reading an article in the MS magazine where a man was sharing his journey of living with MS. He was making the point of being kind to yourself and allowing yourself to recognise your loss, to own your loss, even to be angry at your loss. But not every day, or every minute of every day. He then went on to say how he allows himself to sit with his loss and be miserable about it one day a month. I remember thinking at the time, “Wow! One day a month? That is very indulgent. I won’t be doing that!!”. Now, all these years later, I think, “Wow! One day a month? How restrained! I wonder if I Can I do that?”

I believe we all have a God driven purpose and sometimes this purpose gets lost as life throws us challenges which are out of our control. When I was teaching children, who found it hard to fit into school and life, who found making good behaviour choices difficult and making friends was a task far out of reach, I began studying William’s Glasser’s “Choice Theory” for professional development. I wanted a better understanding of why we make the choices we make, and why we behave the way we do. I knew I was the only one who was in control of what I thought and what I did. Yet, I didn’t fully understand that no one else could make me think or do anything. It was my choice.

As I studied and internalised the concepts of “Choice Theory“, a light bulb turned on and I asked myself one very simple, and powerful question:

Who did I want to be now? 

With the support and encouragement from others who shared this understanding, I discovered me again, the “me” I had forgotten even existed.

I had to work hard to rewrite the stories which, played on an endless loop in my mind. I learnt to acknowledge my strengths and be proud of who I am. I even got remarried.